Osho explains that the root of our grief is that we didn’t know how to love the person when they were alive…

Loves transcendence - grief and love

Life is ended by death… love transcends

It is always difficult to leave the ones you love, but it becomes difficult because when we are with them we don’t love them. If you really love them, feel for them, care for them – and you will be there for three, four months – you can leave them without any fear. And they will not feel hurt. This is one of the things to be understood.

The fear arises because we don’t know how to love; otherwise four months is a long enough time.
Even a single moment of love can become an eternity. Just a loving look… just a deep intimate touch. Then there is no fear. One has loved and one can depart very easily.

The problem arises because when we are together we don’t know how to love, what to do. And then comes the moment of departure. You feel that you couldn’t love while you were together and now you are leaving. The same problem arises when a loved one dies. You cry and weep and feel very much depressed. The basic depression is not because death has occurred. The basic depression is this – that you could not love while the person was alive, and now there is no opportunity; the person is gone. There is no way to show your love, to say goodbye even. And there were millions of opportunities and you went on missing them. Now one regrets the whole wastage.
While the opportunity was there, you missed it. When now there is no opportunity, sadness is bound to descend on you. One feels tremendously frustrated… against a wall, and there is no door.

You cannot even say, ’I am sorry that I didn’t love you’; now there will be no response.
There were millions of opportunities when you could have been in love, but you were angry; when you could have cared but you didn’t; when you could have been deeply intimate, but you remained far away, haughty, egoistic, fighting. When love could have bloomed, you missed. This is my observation, that if two persons have loved each other really, and one dies, the other can say goodbye in total contentment. There is no regret; one feels fulfilled. That is what is meant when it is said that love is not destroyed by death; even death cannot destroy it. If it is there, even death
cannot destroy it, and if love is not there, then even life cannot help it.
Life is ended by death… love transcends.
So this fear is always there, mm? But rather than wasting energy in fear, use that energy in loving.
And always remember that whenever you are with a person this may be the last time. Don’t waste it on trivia; don’t create small troubles and conflicts that don’t matter. When death is coming, nothing else matters. Somebody does something, says something, and you get angry. Just think of death…
just think of this man dying or you dying, and of what significance what he has said will be. And he may not have meant it that way at all; it may just be your interpretation. Out of a hundred cases, ninety-nine percent are one’s own interpretation. And remember, whenever you are with a person he is not the old person at all, because everything goes on changing. You cannot step twice in the same river, and you cannot meet the same person twice. You will go and you will see your mother and father, brothers, sisters, friends, but they must have changed. Nothing remains the same. You have changed, you are not going the same, and you will not find them the same. And if these two things are remembered, love flowers between these two.

(Osho  Be Realistic: Plan for a Miracle Chapter 18)

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