Humour is a vital quality, especially when the going gets tough.
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A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God, she asked, ‘Is my time up?’
God answered, ‘No, you have another 40 years, 6 months and eight days to live.’
Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour. Since she had so much more time to live she thought she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation she was released from hospital. While crossing the street on her way home she was struck by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God she demanded, ‘I thought you said I had over another 40 years to live’. Why didn’t you pull me out from under the path of the car?’
God replied, ‘I didn’t recognize you!’
A man goes to the doctor for a visit. As he winds up the visit the doctor tells the patient, “You are extremely healthy, excellent health!” – whereupon the man happily leaves the surgery, has a heart attack and falls to the ground.
Hearing the noise outside, the doctor and with his nurse run out to see what is happening. Seeing the patient dead on the street outside his clinic, the doctor tells the nurse, “Quick! Let’s turn him so it looks as though he was coming in to see me!’
Two men were fishing by a river when a hearse came slowly by.
One of the fishermen put down his rod, folded his hands in front of him and bowed his head as it passed.
Afterwards, when he had resumed fishing, his friend said, ‘Impressive! I didn’t know you were so respectful!’
‘Well, I was married to her for thirty years’ the other replied.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?”
“Ten…” the doctor says slowly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!”
“Nine…” intones the doctor, “eight….”
Grandpa Giggle is really worried about his health, and is waiting nervously in the Hamchop hospital while a team of eminent physicians gathers together to consult about the case.
All the doctors retire to another room to discuss the old man’s condition, but grandpa has hidden his nephew, little Albert, in a closet in the room to listen. Then Albert is supposed to report to him what the truth of the situation is.
After a few minutes, Albert escapes and runs back to the old man.
“Quick, Albert,” asks Grandpa Giggle in a shaky voice, “what did those doctors say?”
“I cannot say for sure,” reports Little Albert. “I listened hard, but they used such big words, I can’t remember much of it. But I do remember one thing.”
“Tell me,” cries Grandpa. “What is it?”
“Well,” says Albert, “they said, ‘We will find out everything at the autopsy!”
Woody Allen writes…
When I live my next life I want to live it backwards. You start off dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old persons’ home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go and collect your pension, and then when you start work you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous; then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school. You become a kid; you play. You have no responsibilities; you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last nine months floating in luxurious, spa-like conditions with central heating and room service, on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”
“Our policy here in heaven is to reward results,” God explained. “Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”
“Well,” the minister had to admit, “Some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.”
“Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed wake, they even prayed.”
The End is Near!
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
Said the Buddhist to the hot-dog vendor: “Make me one with everything.”
When Hymie comes back from visiting the doctor, he looks terrible. Hymie tells his wife that the doctor had said that he was going to die before the night was out. She hugs him, and they cry a little, and Becky suggests they go to bed early to make love one more time.
They make love until Becky falls asleep, but Hymie is frightened to sleep because it is his last night on earth. He lies there in the dark while Becky snores.
Hymie whispers in his wife’s ear, “Becky, please, just one more time for old times’ sake.” But Becky keeps snoring.
Hymie looks at his watch, leans over to his wife and shakes her hard, “Please Becky, just one more time for old times’ sake!”
Becky simply looks at him and says, “Hymie, how can you be so selfish? It is alright for you, but I have to get up in the morning.”